Toilet Fairies
by mega-mutt
Summary: As you can tell from the title, it is set in a toilet, and is about the fairies. No Artemis. This isn't really connected with the books though. Grub is kind of a main character. Rated to be safe. Please reveiw. FINALLY UPDATED!
1. Default Chapter

TOILET FAIRIES

Chapter 1: ENTER THE TOILET

Holly scrubbed pathetically at an extremely stubborn cluster of microorganisms on the toilet seat. It was a horrible job, cleaning the Mud People's public toilets. A rather pointless one too. The Mud People's council had sent in their own team of cleaners. Nevertheless, Root had insisted on sending in Holly, Grub Kelp, Chix Verbil and a new LEP recruit, Joanna Hill to clean the toilets until the fairy council members could see their reflections on the toilet seats.

These four had fouled up one of the previous missions big time. Time Stop and Mind Wipe for a whole city. It was so bad that Holly didn't even want to think about it.

To actually enter the toilet block, an invitation was unnecessary. Technically, it wasn't a dwelling because no Mud Men lived there. Therefore, the fairies could came and go as they pleased. If a Mud Man walked in, the fairies would just quickly shield. Not tonight though….

Grub was contemplating a rather nasty bruise on his finger from where he closed the door on it when Private Hill came up behind him.  
"Chix is pretty annoying, huh?" She said.  
Grub nodded.  
"How's Trouble?'  
"Fine," Was all he could manage.  
"What's wrong with you?" Hill saw him clutching desperately at his finger and she shook her head. "A new complaint?"  
Grub nodded again.  
Hill sighed and casually pushed Grub's head into the toilet.  
Joanna Hill gave an evil smile and pushed poor Grub in further.  
"Hey, Corporal Kelp? Could you give me a hand?" Holly asked from another cubicle.  
No answer.  
"Corporal? This is a direct order from you captain. Get your magical little backside over here. Now."  
Still no answer. Then… "CAPTAIN SHORT! GRUB IS IN THE TOILET!"  
Private Hill sounded agitated. This didn't occur to Holly until she had spoken. "Of course he's in the toilet. What did you think we were cleaning? A pizza parlour?"  
"His head is stuck in there, Captain!"  
Holly raced from one cubicle to the next to wake up Chix and then to the next to help Joanna. Secretly Joanna was almost bursting with glee, but she didn't show it. People had always said she was a good actress.  
"How'd he get in there?" Asked Chix.  
"Grub just fell in."  
_Typical_, Holly thought. _Hopefully Trouble will understand_. Grub only then seemed to realise the situation and so began his howling. In the toilet water it sounded like someone gurgling, then it echoed through the entire toilet block. The noise was actually similar to the noise of a magma flare. How Grub managed, no one knew, but one thing was obvious. They needed to get Grub out before he attracted the attention of some Mud Men.  
The two elves and the sprite tried to merely pull him out. As they suspected, it only sucked him in further.  
"This is one evil toilet," Chix muttered.  
Had the two elfin women not been too busy to hear the sprite, they would have agreed.  
"Get mo oot!" Screamed Grub. Or at least that was what it sounded like.  
"What did you do, Hill?" Holly snapped.  
"Me? What makes you think I did anything?"  
"The fact that you were the only other person with Corporal Kelp when it happened."  
"Did it occur to you that he might have fallen in by himself?" Asked Chix.  
Holly gave him a cold glare. "Do you want to join Grub, Chix?"  
Chix shook his head.  
"I didn't think so. Shut up and pull."  
Chix nodded. An atrocious sucking noise came from precisely where Grub's head should have been. Except the head wasn't. It was further in. Mud Man toilets weren't built for human heads, and certainly not fairy heads, let alone Grub's head which was curiously small, even for a fairy.  
"Hold on Grub… You'll be out soon." Muttered Holly. She tried not to think of what had been in the toilet before Grub.  
Grub's wails had abated. Now all that could be heard was occasional groaning and grunting from Chix, Holly and Joanna and Grub moaning something about "mummy".

TO BE CONTINUED... Hopefully.


	2. Plans

CHAPTER 2: PLANS

It had been an hour and three-quarters since Grub had "fallen" in and there was not much moon time left. Soon it would be daylight and someone would come and unlock the toilet block. After that, they would pretty much be doomed to be seen. Chix, Joanna and Holly were all sitting cross-legged on the damp floor.

"Maybe we should get Foaly or something." Chix suggested.

"Then he would tell Root and they would either yell at us, laugh at us or boot us off LEP entirely." Holly said. "Or do all of that."

"We could ask him not to tell Root and just give us suggestions." Joanna said hopefully.

Holly shook her head. "You don't know Foaly like I do. Pony-boy never passes up a chance to laugh at someone."

The other two said nothing. They knew it was true. The three sat there for a while, not saying anything.

"We might as well keep pulling. There's nothing else we can do." Chix reasoned.

The sprite stood up and seized Grub's legs. Grub, not expecting it, started kicking wildly. One kick caught Chix full on the face and made him stumble backwards. He hit his head on the sink basin and fell to the ground, unconscious. A small fragment of his tooth came out and bounced away into the dank gloom. A few blue sparks healed the chipped tooth immediately.

"That's Chix gone…" The elves said in unison.

"We're going to have to do it. I'll call Root." Holly sighed, picking up her helmet. "Foaly? You there?"

"What do you think? Do I sound like I'm here?" The usual obnoxious tones came through the speaker.

"Umm, Foaly, you have to promise me something. Well, two things. One, don't laugh at what I am about to tell you. And, two, _please_ don't tell the Commander."

Foaly began to snigger already. If Holly didn't want Julius to find out about something, and she also didn't want Foaly to laugh, it must be big. It would most likely be hilarious too. "Holly," The centaur said. "I won't tell anyone but to ask me not to laugh is unbearable. There are only a certain amount of accidents that can happen in a Mud Man toilet block. And all of the possibilities seem pretty funny. Anyhow, begin."

Holly explained what had happened to Chix and Grub. As she expected, Foaly began to laugh. He laughed so much that his tin foil hat fell off his hairy head.

"Foaly! You said you wouldn't laugh!" Holly snapped.

"No I didn't. I said it would be unbearable not to!"

Holly sighed; it was true. "So, any suggestions?"

Foaly paused for a moment, thinking. "Have you tried pulling him out?"

"Yes."

"I'm out of ideas then."

"I thought you were smart." Holly smiled. "Obviously not… I didn't think you could help anyway."

Foaly closed the connection angrily.

"Well, I have an idea," Private Hill sighed. "Though it probably wouldn't work."

"What is it, Joanna? Anything will work better than standing around doing nothing."

"Umm, maybe we could wake up Chix, then we all shield… Grub too. And hold on the toilet."

"What will that do?" Holly obviously didn't understand.

"If we hold on for long enough, it should chip away at the toilet and eventually split it in half. If I am correct."

"Lets hope you are then. Hill, wake up Chix. Grub, can you hear me? If you can, make a sound that sounds like… err… 'Butler'." Holly had picked that particular word because of Grub's favourite war story, the infamous tale of Butler defeating all but Grub of Retrieval One during the "Fowl Siege".

First Holly and Joanna thought that Grub wasn't listening. Then came a sound similar to "boolah"; whatever that was. It was close enough.

"Ok, Grub. We need you to shield. Do nothing but shield. Don't talk. Got it?"

Grub made a sound. Holly assumed that he had got it.

Joanna moved over to Chix and shook him gently. The sprite stirred groggily. "Hey Jo-Jo. When we get outta here, wanna go to Spud's Spud Emporium with me?"

Joanna stared at him in disgust. "My name is not Jo-Jo, I do not want to go out with you, and by the looks of it we are not going to get out of here."

"What's with the negativity, babe?"

Joanna ignored him. "Just shield. That's it."

"I'll only shield if you go out with me."

Joanna narrowed her eyes. "That's blackmail, but OK. I'll go out with you. Now shield!"

Chix did as he was told. Joanna shielded at the same time as Holly and all three approached Grub…

_Author's note:_ CLIFFHANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, I couldn't help it. I took a while to update because I'm a bit drained of ideas. Can someone please say what they think should happen next. If it's a good enough idea, I may use it and acknowledge you in the next chapter. I may even make you a character if I feel crazy enough. Please review.


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